Mothers - investing for life

By TAY HAN CHONG
(Source: http://biz.thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2010/5/15/business/6250980&sec=business)

LAST Sunday was Mother's Day. It also marked the end of my son's first week at playschool.

Although it was only a two-hour trial session, his mother was not allowed to remain in school.

It was probably a lot more emotional for my wife than for my son as she lingered outside the school gates, straining her ears and listening for the familiar cries or perhaps the occasional laughter.

It was another milestone in the journey of life for my young son, and a milestone for my wife and I as parents.

Special meaning

Mother's Day holds special meaning for us, as our son was born on this day two years ago.

After a “stressful” week for the three of us, perhaps this is what my son might say if he could articulate it himself (Of course, I am making the assumption that I can read his mind and his heart): “My mother is a source of inspiration. She sacrificed her career to be with me every step of my way. I am indeed privileged. My mother is my pillar of strength. I was so relieved when I saw her after my first day at school. I tried to be strong, but I was very scared too.

“My mother is a source of comfort. Her kisses will make all sorts of pain go away. I am always comforted by her magical touch.”

Many would remember an old Chinese children's song that glorifies a mother's love for her children. Translated in English, it goes something like this:

“In the world only mothers are good. Children with mothers are like precious treasure. When one is in the embrace of one's mother, it is a blessing without compare...”

As far as I can remember, there has not been a song written about fathers with the same level of importance as when compared to songs written about mothers. Perhaps, in the past, fathers were the breadwinners and mothers the caregivers.

However, over time, fathers are becoming more involved in the parenting process.

In fact, I know of someone (let's call him EJ) who took a break from his career to spend time with his children. Now that his children are grown up, he has gone back to work.

A well-known personality and an accomplished journalist, he shares the opportunity cost of being at home with his children.

But he says it is well worth it. He went through the experience of seeing his children grow up first-hand.

From a financial perspective, the sacrifice or opportunity made by the stay-home caregiver can be easily computed in dollars and cents.

It is a very simple computation - monthly salary plus benefits plus annual bonus multiplied by the number of years, factoring in inflation and potential increment. This cost can be significant.

Intangible cost

On top of that, sacrifices made in the form of lifestyle adjustments, which are almost always required when a family with children changes from dual income to single income, also have to be taken into account.

This intangible social/family cost is less easy to compute but can be easily appreciated by most families.

Some might think that being a full time stay-home parent equates a life of luxury. My wife would be the first to refute that.

She is not living the life of a “tai tai”. For stay-home parents, life is physically tiring, emotionally draining and financially straining. No pay, no days off and no medical leave.

But just like EJ, my wife knows that it is indeed a privilege to be a stay-home mother. One does not get to hear from the maid or the caretaker how one's child took his very first step, how he articulated his first word, or even how he fell off the bed. My wife experienced all these first-hand.

Hence, allow me to be a contrarian and turn this equation of economic and social costs upside down. Spending time with our children is not a cost, but an investment.

A cost or investment?

What is the difference between a cost and an investment? A cost is an expense and outlay, just like a teh tarik, which costs RM1.40, or a holiday costing RM2,000.

But an investment is like a RM20,000 master's degree programme, a RM100,000 unit trust investment or a RM1mil shophouse.

When we think of investments, we automatically think of the payback and returns.

EJ had invested in his children and my wife is still investing in our child. Not only does EJ not regret his choice, he proudly proclaims that his “payback and returns” are his emotional wealth and experiences that are unique to him alone.

No amount of money can replace or replicate something as intangible as that. In fact, he says that he would do the same all over again.

My wife echoes that sentiment, and I know many stay-home parents will agree too.

To them, Mother's Day and Father's Day are not just days for them to receive a rose, a box of chocolates or a special meal.

It is a day when one receives the annual statement of one's time-honoured and privileged investment made in the names of one's own children.

There is no perfect guide to parenthood; no “control-alternate-delete” function to reboot and restart. Parenthood is tough and sometimes mistakes are made.

However, by being there to guide and love our children, hopefully we can raise them up to be the better person we all hope to be.

“Investment” is not always about money, and I quote Joyce Maynard: “It's not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can't tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself.”

To all mothers, hope you had a happy Mother's Day. And as for fathers, our moment of recognition will come next month!

■ Tay is senior vice-president and senior head of UOB's personal financial services division.